I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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