Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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