Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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