it wasn't lemon gatorade
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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