Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
