Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
