i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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