Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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