hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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