I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
