i jhust puked up my retainher.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
