I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
do herpes really smell.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
