He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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