He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
