Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
