how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
