This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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