uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
