That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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