Me too!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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