It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
