Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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