it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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