The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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