i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
