You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
