I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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