Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
