There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
