our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's the barista slut.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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