Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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