so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
