Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
