the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
