Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
