Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
