Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
