i don't like sucking hair
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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