when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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