I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
