i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
