Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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