Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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