I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
