I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
