Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
