The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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