you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
