I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
