out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
