Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he fucked my hip out of place.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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