Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
