i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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