hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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