it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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