I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
