I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
