do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
